Birthday

I cried for a while today. About what, I'll never know. It's becoming almost comical for me to cry, because it's such a basic instinct that I have to treat it like breathing.

_________

I shall wake up tomorrow morning being 15 years and one day old.

Mhm. Today was my birthday, though I largely forgot about it and tried to ignore it. For me, I'm still trying to understand the human desire to ark the passage of time, when in reality we like things the way they are. Perhaps it's just a human predisposition we've had since the beginning of time.

What's more, I languish when I hear the word time. It's just so irritating to listen to. Time-capsules, time-trials, time-zones, time-travelers, time-pieces. My guess is part of it is that time is also a man-made concept, just like racial differences, or morality. Humans thought up time because they needed a way to mark events in their lives. The "beginning of time" is really when Caveman A woke up and said to Caveman B, "Hey...it's not yesterday!"

Which brings me to the point of birthdays, which really make no sense to me. Scratching the surface, why are we celebrating the date of our birth and not the date of our conception...the real beginning of our existence? Second of all, why celebrate it? It's a date. On the Gregorian Calender.

But presents are always nice.

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Welcome to the blog-o-sphere, Lukas. Fuck Myspace.

Spill/Simplicity?

as if i left my sanity at home
i part with Juna's door
one hand on the handle
one on my existence
i take five steps forward
aimless steps
worthless steps
five bricks forward
that do nothing
but to deprive
me
of life
as my life
my life
falls out of my
hand
falls out of my
and fills the cracks
in the street so i go back in
to grab another one for
one dollar and
twenty-five cents

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First day home?

Feels like shit. I can't function today. You know what it feels like?

Okay. So think of a great big can of Dr. Pepper, all shaken up and ready to blow. And think of, instead of opening the top, suddenly the can is turned inside out and the gas dissipates ingloriously.

Oh, and simplicity? Ah, yes, the ever-so-elusive New Years resolution that's put somewhere on your list, and forgotten just as you realize that you want to keep the byproducts of life. You want to stay an incorrigible pack rat, hold on to the trash that accumulates in your house, or your computer, or your mind. It won't go away, because in reality, you don't want it to.

But I do. I want it out. Last month I remember sitting here at Juna's cafe after school, telling myself that I was scared of change. I told myself that I'd never feel the same way, that there was no way I could revert to my stagnant self. But weeks, later, I'm thinking to myself, where's the change? What have I to be scared of? What's happened to me?

On the bright side, my dreams have disappeared altogether. Sleep is a void.

Vicious cycle? Maybe. But if it's not change, then what is it? Am I complaining too much?

Am I thinking too hard?

__________

Oh, theres a change. This is odd...there's a line at Ned's Pizzeria.

And after watching this video, you can't say you don't have any respect for JT.

Come on people.

__________

“i'm convinced you're sad”

an unexpected response?

not really; predisposition is not

a crime

is it?

Unfamiliarity can never be good

"I want to sleep with you. But I don't want to have sex with you, I just want to sleep with you, next to you.We need to talk." She agrees. We need to talk. Given that it is a dream and nothing else...I can rationalize it myself and it will go my way no matter how selfish or immoral it may be. But there’s the advantage, the great pleasure, in fantasy. It’s no one’s but yours.

As I speak to her, there's a storm outside trying to so rudely interrupt me. The building is dark. It doesn't feel like the same ACS I always knew. It's unfriendly, cold, even a bit mysterious. Holding hands, we turn away from the commotion outside the foyer and go downstairs to my favorite part of the building with the big metal heater. But there are people all over the place, so I take her to the next room over. The old ESL room. The sunroom. We don't talk. We only stare at each other. Contrary to my request, we quietly proceed to have sex.

- My dream, December 21, 2006

__________

I cried last night. For a long time.

But it's not the tears that bother me. It's the lack of reason. I cried for nothing, but. All I can say was that it felt good. I've probably just felt worse than ever the last few days.

When did I get so temperamental?

That night I was plagued by an odd dream that took place at ACS. Occuring in recursion, I kept saying those words. I don't know if I said anything else in my dream, but that's all I remember.

I also woke up at least twice during the night, and had a case of conscious paralysis. A frightening experience, if any of you have ever experienced it before. It kind of makes you not want to go back to sleep.

I'm about to shut off my computer and try to go to sleep again, but I don't know how much help that would be.

Love,
- Mirko

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On another note, I fucked up my unit final essay for Facing History.

On yet another note, I found out how to add comments.

Change

Chilled at Bela's for lunch with Simon and Sasha, and played some Xbox. We ended up being late for French class, but so was everyone else. I love ACS. We are not a real school.

___________

I'm sitting exactly opposite the place I normally sit here. It's awkward, it's weird, but it's not as disorienting as I thought it would be. The orange couch is across the atrium from me, and there sits a man working on his MacBook Pro. I don't know why...I just prefer a window seat today. There's more clarity here than there is over there.

I've been feeling less than happy recently. I don't really know what it is with me, and what's making me so depressed, but it's this very...odd...confused feeling. And I think I know what it is.

Could it be? Could it be that I'm just afraid of change? Of growing up?

Of course, Mirko. It's totally natural. It's a very human thing to do, to be scared of shifts in your existential rhythm.

But it's not natural for me. It's not something I've ever had to be scared of. And I think I know why I've suddenly changed my mind. Recently, I had never been so happy about the way things were, and there was my mistake. I had become so settled in the world I lived, that when I realized that it would eventually have to change, I began to panic.

I want to offer myself a way to settle this. But every solution is temporary. I don't think I'll ever be so content again. It's not reassuring, but it's gonna help me accept it.

But me? Scared of change?

That's right. I am. I've very afraid.

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http://www.sculleydesign.com/ - This is some of the best art I've seen in a while. Some absolutely beautiful paitings and some just as cool graphic design. If I was a painter, that's what I would be most proud of painting.

ALSO...

Italy bans skinny models - I know all the health risks and shit involved if it doesn't go ahead, but I think it's also the destruction of a tradition.

Adieu, all you anorexic models...